I’m flying to Denver and back for some work next week. This appeared on my booking (highlight is mine):

Three simple words:

I EXPERIENCED THEM

(tickets courtesy of Kevin Wall/Brad Barrish/Betty Morin at Control Room)

Full set of photos from my cameraphone

The crew at RPA launched an all-new Honda Automobiles site this past week. What a beast of an effort.

We flew 4 segments on Emirates this past holiday (BOM-DXB; DXB-CAI; CAI-DXB; DXB-BOM) and a most of them were quite rubbish.

BOM-DXB had the infamous seat swap incident (read about it here).

Then, DXB-CAI was on an A330 that had the most cramped seats on the planet. I’ve seen rat-holes that have more space in them!

CAI-DXB wasn’t too bad with a decent 777 and given the empty flight (less than 40% full) we sprawled across multiple seats.

DXB-BOM was on a 777 and every part of that flight was just crap. Dubai International Airport is a fucking fish market with security guards abruptly shutting off entrances to the check-in desks. The duty free area- while massive and impressive- sells shit like laundry detergent… in 10 LITER CONTAINERS!!! This turns it into your run of the mill supermarket with people with wayyy too much stuff in their carts and checkout agents who have to scan and bag hundreds of items. A friendly note to those buying these hundreds of items: it’s an AIRPORT! you’re hopping on a FLIGHT! if you really need 10L of laundry detergent, buy it BEFORE you check in!!!

Then there was the over-zealous gate agent who refused to let anyone sit down. Sure the plane was boarding, but the line was backed up into the jetway and out. But this goatee-sporting douchebag felt he had to round everyone up with this ‘hurry up and wait in line’ method.

Once on the plane- not so cramped seats- the inflight service was stupid. The flight attendants somehow miscalculated the flight time and abruptly stopped the beverage service half-way because they “realized” that we’re landing soon. REALIZED??!! It’s not an arbitrary flight duration where you “realize” you’re about to land. Idiots!

All in all, I hate Emirates and they’re never going to see a single dollar of mine in the future. Not until they get their act together and truly improve as an airline. But they may never be able to do that. So, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Emirates sucks and will continue to suck.

During this trip, we had to renew our US visas. The US Consul has outsourced the rule-based work to a company called VFS, India. They do things like schedule visa appointments, review applications for completion and accuracy, pre-screen people for the security staff at the consul, distribute the passports after the issuance of the visa, etc. For all intents and purposes, they are nothing more than middle-men and have no real authority over the issuance of the visa. What follows are a few adventures we had when having our visas renewed.

VFS offers a service (for Rs. 150) where you go to their facility on the day of your interview about 30 minutes before your appointment. There you can “avail of a complimentary snack and beverage” and then you are pre-screened for security. Then, you’re simply bussed over to the US consul and walk right in. No need to wait in the long line that ends up forming outside the consul. Truly convenient.

We got to the center at 8:00am (our appointment was at 8:30am) and were directed to the ‘cafe’ where we were told to wait until the bus to the consul was ready. Come 8:20am, we checked on the status of the shuttle. We were told that a bus had just left (no one told us!) and were told to go back and just eat our snack. We told the guard that we weren’t there to eat snacks and sit around. We wanted our visa, and we wanted to get the hell out of the shit hole. The guard couldn’t comprehend our issue and grudgingly took our tickets and directed us to the waiting bus. We get to the bus and it’s empty. Just waiting. About 3 minutes later, the rest of the sheeple who were “just sitting and eating their snacks” came in and we were taken to the consul. Looks like people just don’t understand efficiency here. Everybody just wants to sit around and eat snacks and drink tea!

Fast-forward to the evening when we had to collect our passports. Our passports were submitted as two individual and independent applications, so they were going to be returned independently too. We were told to show up with a receipt and the appointment letter to collect our passports. We show up at the appointed hour and as we near the front of the line, we’re told that we need a copy of the receipt (in addition to the receipt itself) and the on-site photocopier is broken, so we’d have to go elsewhere to make copies. This last-minute requirement was a shocker.

The empty-headed fellow managing the entry couldn’t comprehend the fundamental principle that springing last-minute requirements is very bad form. Somehow he thought it was ok given that they had an on-site photocopier (where you had to pay for the copy nonetheless!) Once I heard my words bouncing around in his empty skull, I gave up and we had the copies made.

Once I got to the window to actually collect the passports, the lady handed me one of them and started fishing for the second one. The passport is returned in an opaque envelope, and as any person with even the slightest bit of common sense, I opened it to check if it’s the correct passport and the visa is correctly stamped. The lady stops looking for the other passport and tells me that I’m not allowed to open the envelope there. This would be a reasonable request if I was holding up other people (no one was behind me and there were about 4 other counters for people to be helped at) so I told her to mind her business and find the other passport while I check the one handed to me.

She couldn’t understand this- how could someone not follow a VFS person’s instructions and actually question them?! She seemed stumped. After a few warped looks (I didn’t stop opening the envelope and checking the passport) she went back to doing her job- looking for the other passport. Once she handed that one to me, I quickly checked it and walked out.

Once I got out, my wife was standing there looking most harrowed. Apparently the overzealous security guard (from a contracted private security outfit) was telling her not to stand on the pavement. Let alone the fact that she was standing at the OPPOSITE end of the line, and there was no one around her, this beggar of a guard insisted that she stand ON THE ROAD! She quizzed him and asked to see the rule or notice that said standing on the pavement was prohibited. Of course, he had none of this, so he replies back with a ‘Madam, the pavement belongs to the government’ as if to scare her into submission. She relented and stood there saying ‘I pay my taxes, and the government doesn’t belong to you.’

All said, the people at VFS have begun to take themselves a little too seriously and think they are above the law. Someone needs to remind them that they are merely a backoffice operation. Just hired servants to sort through shit so that the US Consul doesn’t have to. They are NOT the US Consul and have absolutely no authority over what happens with the application, visa, or anything around it. People need to stop taking shit that VFS doles out and just say ‘thank you.’ Feel free to slap those scumbags around and point out the stupidity in their operation.

Finally, I believe that VFS is more of a dis-service than anything else. If any person from the US State Department is reading this, please audit VFS’ practices and their attitude towards people. It does not speak well. Especially since they claim to act on behalf of the US Consul.

We arrived into Bombay and I got myself a temporary prepaid GSM phone card on Hutch (lots of buzz around them of late due to a potential $20bn sale). They offer GPRS under the banner “HutchWorld” or “HutchAccess” for a monthly fee of Rs. 199 and a usage rate of Rs. 0.05/10KB. All one has to do is send the message ‘ACT WWW’ to 144. They say that the activation happens within 24 hours. To check the status of the service one sends a message ‘ST WWW’ to 144

So, I did that on a Monday morning and received a confirmation of my request. Come Tuesday afternoon the service wasn’t up. The status kept coming back as “in process”. I waited until Wednesday (now more than 48h have passed and the Rs. 199 has already been deduced from my account) and then called their customer service “hotline.”

I got the usual bullshit: “it’s in process”, “power cycle your phone”, “clean the SIM card with a cotton swab”, etc. The reps refused to let me talk to a manager and kept making me dance around in circles. No one seemed to understand that they failed on their promise of activating it “within 24 hours” and that compensating the customer for this is what they should do. After much hair pulling and yelling at a whole bunch of reps, I had someone who finally took ownership of the issue. He eventually got it working for me, but only after I threatened to make the entire matter public.

All in all, these people (whether it be the call center zombies or the average Indian company) really don’t understand basic customer service. No one seems to take ownership of issues and they don’t understand the principle behind “if you fail on a promise you should pay for it.”

In all this, Hutch really needs to get its act together from a customer service point of view if they plan to be a world-class cellular company and not just grow because people have only a handful of carriers to choose from.

We were walking on the pavement in Dubai crossing an alley. My cousin was ahead of me and the missus was behind me. As we’re crossing, a gold Benz E-Class rounds the corner heading into the alley. Gaurav made it across before the Benz, and as I was crossing, the driver came rather close to me (he didn’t stop and wait for us to cross). I walked across and as I turned back to look at the missus crossing, I noticed that he was dangerously close to the point where she had to move diagonally and almost run to avoid being bumped.

I stopped and gave the scumbag of a driver (I knew he was a chauffeur because his boss was in the back on a cell phone) a good hard dirty look. He stopped and looked at me as if I had done something wrong. I made sure to let him know he was in the wrong by showing him two nice big middle fingers and moved on. He didn’t move and motioned for me to come back to him (for some reason I don’t think he wanted to apologize.)

He just sat there in complete disbelief that I would stand up against him and his pathetic beggar driving. If I had a weapon, I’m sure he’d be sleeping with the fish. If more pedestrians in Dubai had weapons, drivers would be pretty much forced to get their act straight. Or risk being turned into fish food.

I have always believed (largely due to experiencing it myself) that Bombay has some fantastic world-class food, but it was generally confined to the major five-star hotels. However, things have really changed recently. During this trip, we have eaten some truly fantastic food in some truly amazing places. Every detail was attended to and perfected- the ambiance, the waitstaff’s knowledge of the menu, the presentation of the food. Just plain fantastic. Here’s a few of the places we went to (most recommended by my sis-in-law):

Saltwater Grill on Chowpatty Beach
Beachfront upscale open-air place where I had the second-best filet mignon of my life. One can sit here for hours at end.

Dome Bar atop the Intercontinenal Hotel at Marine Drive
Very chic open top bar with a reflecting still pool with lounge-like seating with sweeping views of the Queen’s necklace. Unfortunately they have a DJ that plays after 11pm who doesn’t understand that house music does NOT sit at all with a lounge-like setting. Just let Woody play… he understands mellow lounge music.

Olive off Carter road in Bandra
Lovely tapas-style food, good drinks, but crowded (it’s popular). Beautiful ambiance and nice music. I was here in 2004 and it was good then too.

Tiffin at the Oberoi in Nariman Point
Relaxed dessert and brunch place. Relaxed mellow setting with some seriously decadent desserts.

The pool-side barbecue at the Taj President in Cuffe Parade
Fantastic kababs and very quiet/ empty during the week. Get a cabana and you’ll feel like you’re completely in your own private resort.

Some others that we didn’t hit up, due to time running short are:

Wasabi at the Taj (Japanese)
Seijo & the soul dish (SE Asian)
Potpourri
Vie Lounge

Next time for sure.

Also, to those who dream of eating their way around the world… set aside a good solid week in Bombay. You’ll experience some unreal food with service and atmosphere to match.

Oh, and in all this fanciness, let’s not forget the “local” places like Swati Snacks, Trishna, the roll wallah on Carter road, the Bombay Gymkhana amongst others.

We arrived from Singapore to Bombay on a rather crowded plane. The aircraft had stopped at the gate and everyone was getting up to get their bags from the overhead bins. As is typical, there are always a few people who have tight connections to make and need to rush forward. Then there are the few who just want to get ahead. Right behind us were the following three characters:

An oriental dude who was coming to Bombay for business;
A poser Indian who was really about 40 but was dressed as if he was 16 (in 1983!);
A bald Indian who was trying really hard to be cool and being obnoxious towards the white woman next to him (why can’t we have citizen-initiated castrations when we see things like this?)

The oriental dude was standing in the aisle and reaching up to get his stuff. In the mean time, poser chap rushes from behind and starts pushing against Mr. Noodle to get ahead. Mr. Noodle tells poser to take it easy and back off a bit because he can’t get to his stuff and it’s getting uncomfortable being shoved. Poser backs off for a little, but resorts back to shoving. Mr. Noodle once again requests that he stop shoving. At this point, the bald loser chimes in (it’s not his business to be involved, but this is India… everything is everyone’s business) and tells Mr. Noodle “Relax mister… take it easy. There’s no reason to get angry. This is India. This is not Singapore. If you don’t like it [the shoving, and people being absolute jerks], go back to Singapore”

Noodle explains his case and says “I’m just trying to get my stuff and this chap is shoving. I’m not angry one bit.” Bald-a-licious’ brains couldn’t compute this and just said “I told you not to get angry. Just sit down and keep quiet. If you have a problem, go back to Singapore.”

The poor chap sat down in a huff and in complete disbelief that he would be treated this badly.

I couldn’t help but be amazed at how obnoxious my fellow country-men could be and wanted to strip these two dickholes of their Indian citizenship because they are doing nothing but propagating a bad image of India. And they’re not the only ones… there’s a whole bunch of people like this. And somehow this gets tolerated by everyone. It’s at times like this that I’m ashamed to be an Indian.

We arrived into Bombay after a grueling 18.5 hour (LAX-SIN, non-stop) and 5.5 hour (SIN-BOM) trip from LA. We were waiting at the conveyor belt for our bags (4 of them- two very heavy black hard shell bags of similar size, one MASSIVE 30″ red Victorinox bag, and one 22″ red Victorinox bag). Each was clearly labeled with our last name written nice and bold near the handle, along with our United Airlines frequent flyer tags attached.

We noticed the 30-incher come out and as it rounded the corner about 15 feet away from me, a passenger (I’m assuming she was on the same SIN-BOM flight) reached over and grabbed it. She took a good hard look at it and pulled it off the belt. I yelled for her to put it back (it was clearly ours) but she didn’t. I gave her the benefit of the doubt (she could have a similar bag, and she could also be a United frequent flyer).

Then, about 3 bags later one of the black ones rounded the corner, and the same lady grabbed it. This time, also, she took a good hard look before pulling it off the belt and once again I yelled “excuse me, that’s my bag, can you put it back?” No dice. Ok… she once again could conceivably have a black Samsonite bag that had the same United tags.

Finally, again, 3 bags later, the second Victorinox bag (red, with United tags, etc) comes around and she performs the same ritual (grab, look closely, yank) and I did my part (”that’s my bag, put it back, please”). Finally, I lost it… I went to the lady and noticed that she had just moved the bags behind her and was looking on the belt for more bags. I looked closely at the bags, and lo and behold… they were ours. I confronted the numbskull and said “Can I offer you a tip for pulling off my bags? They’re heavy and I feel bad that you pulled them off the carousel.” She just looked at with me with a completely idiotic face and didn’t say anything. I was ticked off enough to tell her “Seriously… I want to pay you something! Did you not realize they were not yours? And shouldn’t you put them back on the carousel when you saw a name on the bag that’s not yours?” Once again, the idiotic look as if I was from a whole different planet.

I took our bags, and walked off making sure to say “You shouldn’t travel if you don’t understand common travel courtesies!”